On Hybrid Freaks and Questing Beasts

For today's entry in my slow but relentless zombie march through the Monster Manual we have the catoblepas and chimera - plus a special guest appearance by THE MIMEOPLASM!

THE MIMEOPLASM! (pronounced THE MIME-O-PLASM!, as loudly and obnoxiously as you dare) is a card in Magic: The Gathering that copies the stats and abilities of other creatures. It's an ooze with a T-rex head for an arm, which is delightful.

Reading up on the chimera (what, do you not?) the myths are pretty consistent that it's a mix of goat and lion plus something reptilian - a snake, or sometimes a dragon. But the number of heads can range from one to three, it may or may not have wings, and it may or may not breathe fire. In genetics it's an organism with someone else's cells inside, in archaeology it's a fossil made from multiple species, and architecture it's an ugly statue that doesn't keep the rain away (that would be a gargoyle - thanks, Wikipedia!). So in broad usage a chimera is any sort of weird hybrid, and in the original mythology it's still kind of dodgy and inconsistent.

It could be an ooze with a T-rex arm, is what I'm saying.

I like the idea that some creatures in D&D are set species and with enough research you can learn goddamn near everything, but for others like the chimera all you can know for certain is that they're all different and weird. If we're going with the conceit that crazy wizards made these monsters because they're crazy, it doesn't make much sense that they'd all use the same stock.

Warhammer plays with this a bit:

Some kind of tiger-dragon-eagle thing maybe? Whatever it is it's pretty sweet.

So does Theros, the latest Magic card setting based on Greek myth. I like that none of the heads are quite one thing or another, but that it still looks like one creature and not a collage of parts.

But we can do better! Thanks to the limitless power of poverty imagination we can't afford don't need a specific custom miniature or image to describe our monsters. They can change from encounter to encounter or round to round:

DM: You see a gaunt, mange-covered amalgam of hyena, vulture, centipede, and - deadliest of all - MAN!
Player (rolls): I stab it in the back.
DM (resolves damage): It's still alive. It grows a serpent head from the wound and bites you. Save vs. poison.

Good times.

Back in 2010, when 4th Edition was new(ish) and Wizards still gave a damn(...ish), this article established a thematic link between the catoblepas (magical warthog with a death gaze described by Pliny the Elder, but probably just a wildebeest) and the Questing Beast (monstrous product of incest heralding doom described in Arthurian legend, but probably just a giraffe). The idea being that the catoblepas would show up, curse you or a nearby sympathetic NPC, and then wander off, and you'd have to venture out into the thrice-forsaken swamp to kill it before the foretold doom came to pass. And yeah that's pretty sweet. Having some reason to go out and slay the killer hellbeast that should by all rights be left alone is something I can get behind, even if that reason did end up being the Raven Queen yet again. (Seriously 4th Edition, are you even pretending there are other gods?)

Personally though I find most groups are willing to latch on to any plot hook you dangle in front of them with even a shred of bait, and just establishing that a creature is out there is often enough to pique someone's interest. One trick that's worked well in the past to both motivate players and make the hunt itself more interesting is to add a second competing party of adventurers to the mix - you see it all the time in dungeons, but not often enough on monster hunts. Rival parties are great.

Even more than wandering monsters, rival parties corral the natural tendency to play slow and cautious, scrutinizing every possible option and retreating whenever someone gets hurt or runs low on spells. With a group of rivals competing for the same loot or the same kill, every delay becomes a chance the other guys will get there first. At the same time the "empty" wilderness hexes or dungeon rooms become more interesting, because there's always a chance you'll be ambushed (or an opportunity to ambush someone else). Plus the inevitable monster fight has the added strategic wrinkle of needing to hold something in reserve and worry about the trip back. No one wants to relive the opening to Raiders of the Lost Arc.

"The fact you can't take the hit just makes me want to punch you even more"

To that end here are 1d12 SHADY MONSTER HUNTERS and their often sketchy motivations:

1. Whole mob of peg-parted Ahab types all after the same serial limb-gobbler. Most of time spent looking for leads, hiding leads, and spying, each hunter more grim and paranoid than the last.
2. Dandy out for a spot of adventure, accompanied by vast entourage of guides, porters, weapon caddies, battle butlers, and aides-de-camp. Armed to the teeth with the latest gadgets and a complete disregard for the well-being of underlings.
3. Devil-blooded torture artists looking for a creature tough enough to act as the canvas for their latest masterpiece. Always eager for an audience but participation is mandatory.
4. Unhinged golemancer gave up everything to finance building a great colossus that could avenge a devoured spouse. Controls the machine from inside its mechanical guts but will hop out to make repairs without regard for own life. ("Fighting Girlfriend" inscription optional but encouraged.)
5. Amoral circus folk seek photogenic beast for capture and training. Carnies include a lobotomized ogre strongman, a naga blade-dancer, and a deadly pyrokinetic midget.
6. The monster is the offspring or favored pet of some petty local deity. Clergy of another even more petty deity want to kill it to show the world their miracles are the best. Priests hunt the creature with great zeal but are slowed by all manner of onerous taboos and observances.
7. Badass mercenary company of big damn heroes with no concept of overkill or collateral damage. They don't play by the rules but they get results! (Obviously the company that hired them planted a mole to bring the creature back alive and kill the others to avoid leaving witnesses.)
8. Sweet, dimple-faced prodigy of the dark arts accompanied by a small army of threadbare taxidermied horrors. Wants to dig the bones of a beloved pet from the creature's stomach for reanimation.
9. Hunting party of dark elf royalty astride jeweled cassowaries. Suitably impressive trophies will earn their house favors and influence for some fantastically convoluted but deadly intrigue. Frequent stops along the trail for rampant debauchery including incestuous coke orgies and ritual cannibalism.
10. Cryptic extradimentional zookeeper assisted by slowly dissolving eyebrowless clones and what might conceivably be called a hunting dog. Well equipped with stasis bombs, mono-wire bolas, and shrink ray canisters for easy transport.
11. Noble scion accused of murder demands Trial by Kaiju rather than face a bribed jury. Returning with the head of the monster the only way to prove the support of the gods and avoid execution.
12. Local adventurer's guild sent initiates off to loot the monster's hoard as part of a demented hazing ritual. Lost, badly wounded, numbers depleted, the survivors will still murder you in your sleep for so much as a copper piece.

Skeletons! All my life I've been hated by skeletons!

So I've stopped updating, obviously - for the usual reasons of time and other obligations but also for the unexpected reason of Blogspot hating me. Every comment posted in reply to someone else got mysteriously eaten by the void, and it didn't make sense joining a community of CLOSETCASES when I couldn't actually, y'know, say anything. I get enough "you just need to learn to communicate more" in real life without it following me onto the internet.

Plus most of the blogs I frequent have either dried up or moved onto G+ hangouts. I've been Facebook-free for almost a year now after having my identity stolen and going into full luddite hermit mode, and a more different social media account isn't really something I'm interested in. So what's left?

"Blogs appear and grow in strength from strange gaps in people’s lives.  The golden age of Noisms was when he was trapped in a Japanese office all day with nothing useful to do. Jeff got a job, James M disappeared. When the life changes the blog changes and as people move into new phases the blog either disappears or becomes much less regular or less intensely imagined. And blogs need to be regular and vibrant in order to really fulfill their potential as blogs. A blog that liveth not, is not a blog."

 Forsooth.

Beautiful thing about the internet though... every once in a while something long dead and buried will spontaneously reanimate for no damn reason. (That is not dead which can etc etc.) I would never have thought this would become a thing almost four years after I made it, but then boom, 59k hits and its own giant-ass forum thread.

It's true: writing about the nerdy minutia of a dying hobby through obsolete channels for an audience of no one is a colossal waste of time. But fuck it, I'm playing D&D anyway and I like writing about it, so let's give this another go. Maybe whatever replaces Twitter will stumble across this site in another four years and be confused.

LESS TALK MORE PLANTS THAT EAT YOU! ROLL A D30!

1. Big ole’ venus flytrap-style chompy mouth
2. Covered in thorns that break off in skin and continue injecting poison
3. Spooky tree with a gnarled bark face and lashing claw-like branches
4. Angry molesting tree with dozens of flailing tentacular limbs
5. Sticky fibers on leaves trap prey while pheromones attract other predators
6. Vines or roots pull toward a central pitcher plant ‘stomach’ in the ground
7. Bludgeons with heavy mace-headed branches
8. Stalks spring out and retract at great speed, impaling like spears
9. Lashes with sawblade-edged leaves causing massive blood loss and amputating limbs
10. Leaves conceal pit trap with sharp pungi spike roots
11. Whip-like tendril lashes out to inject mutagenic venom
12. Rolls over people like a giant tumbleweed
13. Flings heavy spike-shelled coconuts with uncanny precision
14. Seed pods open to fling thousands of poisoned flechette-style needles
15. Hurls overripe fruit which explodes on impact releasing noxious, intoxicating, or volatile fluids
16. Spits gobs of corrosive combustible pitch
17. Clouds of tiny airborne seeds released; seedlings grow rapidly in lungs if inhaled
18. Pollen clouds laced with deadly neurotoxin
19. Flowers change color in hypnotic patterns, implanting (heh) suggestions of suicidal behavior
20. Mirror-leaves reflect and amplify sunlight into burning solar deathray
21. Releases pheromones to induce homicidal rage; plant absorbs blood spilled in the resulting carnage
22. Roots manipulate soil to cause sinkholes, quicksand, or earthquakes
23. Sticky burs latch on to passers-by, then a few minutes later, explode
24. Scent of flowers causes deep slumber filled with terrible, prophetic nightmares
25. Plants bulbs in fresh corpses, reanimating them as floral zombies
26. Fruit increases the eater’s strength and inspires fanatical devotion; a sizable cult offers the plant regular sacrifice
27. Grows swarms of vicious thorn-covered piranha goblins from unfertilized seeds
28. Pods grow doppelgangers of any whose blood the plant has tasted
29. Trunk trembles to agitate enormous hornet’s nest inside
30. Whole plant grows from the back of a titanic forest creature with roots burrowing into its brain

Landshark: Redemption

So in my last post I was kind of down on bulettes. I'll stick by my claim that the name is fucking ridiculous. But the concept of a landshark is just the right kind of ridiculous. A setting where sharks can attack on dry land, despite land being inimical to everything a shark is (I mean there's a reason "fish out of water" is a phrase)... that's the sort of setting where every damn thing is out to get you. I approve.

Check it. This is why Tony diTerlizzi is the master of the deadly joke monster. Every other bulette picture I've seen has them looking like the dollar bin dinosaurs they are - like footballs with toddler legs, like a wizard managed to combine just the clumsy shortbus elements of a turtle and an armadillo. And to be fair diTerlizzi's picture has a bit of that too, because hey it is a monster based on a cheap plastic toy from Hong Kong.

But this bulette works, and I think it works because it looks small. Not the giant lumbering tank where you read how it attacks by jumping and burrowing and think um yeah thanks but no. A deceptively vicious pack hunter, no bigger than a dog, but heavy enough to knock you flat when it leaps right out of the ground and lands on your back. A creature which inspires the sages to write in their bestiaries that the bulette has the highest anger-to-weight ratio of any mammal.

You know what other animal burrows, but also runs quickly and makes mighty leaps? Bunnies. Bulettes are D&D's giant killer rabbits - voracious, fast-breeding, sublimely dumb. One might even say Retro Stupid. I think wood elves breed them to attack loggers. The local hedge wizard sells landshark repellent, and it's probably a scam.

Alternatively this is what a landshark looks like if you ditch all the burrowing and leaping and just have a big fake dinosaur as the avatar of nature's fury fucking shit up. I can dig it.

So Many Monsters: The Rest of the Bs

Onward!

Black Puddings are, for some reason, the deadliest monsters in the first Red Box D&D set I purchased. Tons of hit points, stupid damage, dissolves everything it touches, splits for more attacks when hurt. It's actually weirdly fitting for early D&D that, sure, dragons will fuck your shit up good and proper, but the really terrible threats are giant unthinking amoebas that grew out of magical effluvium. The (good) chance of seeing your high level ass-kicking dragonslayer get dissolved by a fucking ooze is more old school than I really want to be (players hate these things, and not in a good way) but I can appreciate the world where such things exist.

I'm sexy and I know it.

Another early, vivid memory of blobs in D&D (yeah I have more than one shut up): the hysterical shriek of "It's a... GELATINOUS CUBE!" on the inevitable audio CD accompanying an early 90s box set adventure. Like the director had said "Okay Charlene that's very good but do you think you can give me... more? I'm just not sure you're really selling how frightening this 10x10 ft square of Jell-O looks."

If for some reason you actually want to use a pudding in your campaign (or ooze, or slime, or jelly, or CUBE), I recommend looking here, or here if you've already used all those and want to go full retard.

Blink Dogs: So bamfing around like a mofo is pretty sweet. (Seriously, ten years of nigh-constant superhero movies later they still haven't topped that scene.) But a pack of dogs doing that is kind of stupid... the whole point of pack hunting is you get another dog leaping on you from behind, so one dog pulling the same trick feels like a waste. Also? Displacer beasts are already a thing. They're freaky and malicious and awesome, while blink dogs are... benevolent protectors of I don't even know what. What's your deal, blink dogs? Leave the cool Nightcrawler trick for someone more deserving.

Boars: D&D needs more boars. As mounts or warbeasts, either one. Wereboars would be great if they didn't have a silly name and overlap with pig-headed orcs. I'll talk more about that when I get to So Many Monsters: Orcs (some year), but yeah I'm totally down with pig-headed orcs.

Brain Mole: What the hell, D&D. You have a burrowing animal that looks like this, you call it a brain mole, and then it doesn't burrow into people's brains? Minus a billion points for coming this close to being something incredible and wussing out.

Bugbears are stillborn goblins who come back to life after they've been buried. They either live on their own in the woods strangling and eating lost travelers, or they're captured by goblins again and get sicced on people like the gimp in Pulp Fiction. You almost never see them except as great black shadows with leering yellow eyes, but if you do manage to kill one you'll see an enormous hairy freak like a Maurice Sendak monster through the eyes of a toddler. They never make a sound, even when hurt, except for their hunting calls (echoing hoots, clicks, and whistles to distract and terrify) and a soft wheezing laugh right before they strike.

Or maybe they just whisper "I'm sorry." That works too.

I'm a big fan of bugbears, but you should never use more than one in a campaign, and you should keep them out of sight as long as possible, and you shouldn't call them bugbears. It's a very silly name.

Bulette: Speaking of very silly names. But that's actually the least of this creature's problems - across all editions of D&D there's been something weirdly amateurish about the look of this thing. It's built like a tank (or a sauropod), large and squat and heavily armored. But it burrows like a snake and leaps like a panther, and none of it fits together at all. We're only through the Bs and already the ankheg makes a better burrowing ambusher and the behir makes a better ominously cresting landshark. Use those instead.

Sometimes I read the Player's Handbook and I'm like, Nah...

Sorcerer? Superhero? Wuxia monk?

• Work out base attributes whatever way you choose.
• Pick three powers from one line or two powers from different lines.
• Learn a new power when you level up/do a training montage/discover your true potential/steal the scroll of secret katas/attend four consecutive game sessions.
• Shout and Blast are probably just better than Strike, Blade, or Bolt, so they should have one of those as prerequisites and/or cost more essence/fatigue/chi or whatever.
• You can learn Avatar like any other power, but unless you already know nine other powers it only works under very specific circumstances (solar eclipse, elaborate ritual, while you're dying, etc).

Work out what each power does with your friendly neighborhood game master. Or trust each other to make it up on the fly and have fun.

	STRIKE	BLADE	BOLT	SHOUT
STORM DEX WIS	Toppling Throw	Wind Whip	Lightning Bolt	Wave of Thunder
IRON STR INT	Hammer Blow	Bonded Armory	Flying Guillotine	Rallying Cry
ICE CON WIS	Freezing Grasp	Ice Dagger	Ray of Frost	Frost Breath
FIRE STR CHA	Ignite	Burning Blades	Flame Strike	Dragon Breath
WILD STR WIS	Beast Claws	Dire Maul	Thorn Sling	Roar of Challenge
SHADOW DEX INT	Suffocate	Subtle Knife	Crypt Dart	Silence
MIND CON INT	Nerve Pinch	Psychic Sword	Mind Thrust	Hypnotic Words
BLOOD CON CHA	Vampire’s Kiss	Living Lash	Sanguine Dart	Vile Venom
CHAOS DEX CHA	Touch of Madness	Mercury Axe	Chromatic Orb	Cry of Panic

	BLAST	CURSE	SHIELD	SERVANT
STORM DEX WIS	Chain Lightning	Buffeting Winds	Storm Barrier	Aerial Servant
IRON STR INT	Shrapnel Bomb	Petrify	Iron Skin	Shield Golem
ICE CON WIS	Blizzard	Wendigo’s Hunger	Frost Armor	Winter Wolf
FIRE STR CHA	Fireball	Passionate Frenzy	Aura of Flames	Infernal Minion
WILD STR WIS	Entangling Vines	Baleful Polymorph	Beast Hide	Totem Companion
SHADOW DEX INT	Grasping Darkness	Strangling Shadows	Shroud of Midnight	Minion of the Eyeless Face
MIND CON INT	Phantasmal Killer	Enthrall	Mental Bastion	Dream Projection
BLOOD CON CHA	Rain of Blood	Grim Affliction	Living Armor	Homunculus
CHAOS DEX CHA	Mass Confusion	Curse of Misfortune	Entropic Shield	Imp of the Perverse

	WARD	CONTROL	GIFT	LORE
STORM DEX WIS	Wind Wall	Control Weather	Light as a Feather	Clairvoyance
IRON STR INT	Blade Barrier	Magnetism	Skill at Arms	Awaken Object
ICE CON WIS	Frost Glyph	Chill/ Freeze	Unfeeling Body	Peer through the Depths
FIRE STR CHA	Explosive Runes	Controlled Burn	Leaping Flame	Infernal Bargain
WILD STR WIS	Wall of Thorns	Nature’s Ally	Regrowth	Commune With Nature
SHADOW DEX INT	Gloom Veil	Shadow Spy	Cloak of Whispers	Forbidden Knowledge
MIND CON INT	Illusory Terrain	Modify Memory	Gestalt Mind	Hypercognition
BLOOD CON CHA	Agony Ward	Flesh Puppeteer	Close Wounds	Blood Tracking
CHAOS DEX CHA	Obscure Object	Cheat	Silver Tongue	Clarity of Madness

	SIGHT	WALK	ASPECT	AVATAR
STORM DEX WIS	Sense the Unseen	Ride the Wind	Gaseous Form	Djinni Noble
IRON STR INT	Tactical Insight	Steel Contraption	Master of War	Towering Colossus
ICE CON WIS	Survival Sense	Arctic Adaptation	Freeze Solid	Frost Titan
FIRE STR CHA	Heat Vision	Resist Elements	Phoenix Rebirth	Inferno Dragon
WILD STR WIS	Feral Cunning	Tree Stride	Wild Shape	Kami of the Woods
SHADOW DEX INT	Pierce the Gloom	By Paths Unseen	Living Shadow	Avatar of the Eyeless Face
MIND CON INT	Sense Thoughts	Astral Projection	Mind Over Matter	Being of Pure Thought
BLOOD CON CHA	Life Sense	Walk the Red Road	Biofeedback	Bloated Horror
CHAOS DEX CHA	Serendipity	Warp Space	Perfect Disguise	Laughing Abomination

Art! Look away!

Back when 4th Edition was in production, WotC had an art contest on some Photoshop forum or other for an image using the new crustacioid beholder concept. This was my entry.

(click to embiggen)

It never got used anywhere I can tell, but the prize money was significant for an unemployed art grad, and for whatever it's worth I had the only image liked by both Wizards (who wanted something recognizable) and the other forum denizens (who wanted something Photoshoppy).

Much more RAWR I'M A MONSTER than I like in a beholder but I'm still proud of the Rider-Waite-ness and the various dead or petrified PCs. Most monster art in recent RPG books has just the creature on a blank background or growling at the camera - the black and white 1st Edition stuff looked pretty crude, but at least those awkward beasts were shown in a dark cavern mauling a dwarf or something. I'm always a sucker for art with a body count.

As the post title indicates, a whole D&D-themed tarot deck would indeed be pretty sweet. (As long as no one involved cared about 'brand identity' - no Lidda or Tannis or *shudder* Elminster.) For suits I was thinking Eyes for sure (I: catoblepas, II: basilisk, III: aboleth, IV: umber hulk...), and either Arms or Limbs (I: um... amputated troll? II: ogre, III: xorn, IV: girallon...). Problem is the larger numbers, particularly the odd numbers, get weird in a hurry. (IX: Modron Nonaton? Man I don't even know if that's true.) For other suits maybe Spells, with the numerals as spell levels? Maybe Blades? Alternatively just go all major arcana, but that's lazy. I'm remembering why I gave this project up.

Oh yeah, plus there's already tarot decks with the suits as the four adventuring classes and the six ability scores. But none with monsters, dammit.

So Many Monsters: BEHOLD!

So this is a beholder.

More specifically this is Tony diTerlizzi's beholder illustration from the 2nd Edition Monstrous Manual. I think it's fair to say I really like these guys. I love how the artist has forgone the usual furrowed-brow menace to make the creature look unhinged, perpetually surprised, like it's just noticed you and is about to start screaming how your presence is unacceptable, but if you weren't around it would still be bug-eyed crazy paranoid because freaking out is a fundamental part of its being.

And then you read the monster's description and you find out it's violently offended by everything even slightly different from itself, and its eyes pack enough magical firepower to kill or incapacitate you ten times over in the span of a round. By, like, blinking. A lot of settings use beholders as the scheming masterminds behind grandiose plots, but diTerlizzi's beholders look like they're trying really hard to just hold it together long enough to kill all those other disgusting life forms so it can finally look at something without gagging.

Comparisons to Doctor Who's daleks are apt - both are xenophobes, both try to overcome a somewhat comical appearance with horror of concept. (Obviously I think the eye tyrants do a bit better in that regard.) Beholders don't whisper in the dark, they scream at the injustice of a universe that contains something other than themselves.

More beholders and beholder-kin. They're so much alike that of course they hate each other worst of all. Flipping through the Monstrous Manual as a kid I always had to hurry past these pages (while also, of course, being enthralled). Too many eyes. Too many mad stares.

The "stock" beholder has ten eyes on stalks, each with a different magical eye ray, plus a magic-dispelling ray from the big eye in the center (some editions have turned this into an antimagic cone, but then the creature would have to shut its big eye to use any of the others, and that simply won't do). The beams of petrification and disintegration get lots of love for being batshit deadly, but a lot of the others are essentially duplicates (charm monster and also charm person? Really?) or just kind of weaksauce. I like more variety - seeing an eye beam hit should always inspire some mix of confusion and panic.

That said, if my party were meeting a beholder for the first time and had no idea what to expect anyway, this is the list I'd use:

• True seeing on the main eye. I kind of like the idea that the little eyes are mostly just weapons, and if you rip out the big one its vision kind of sucks. So the main eye lets the beholder see through invisibility and illusions and things, and also extends the range of its other eye beams. (Incidentally if your RPG of choice doesn't let you attack specific body parts, by rule or by ruling, you should fix that. Half-blind beholders with big gory sockets are the best.)
• Scrying and X-Ray vision. It's called a beholder; you shouldn't be able to hide from it behind a wall or in another country. These also give another way to target you if you blind the big eye and stay out of range, albeit a way needing lots more concentration.
• Disintegration and petrification rays. True story: One time I drew a beholder at art camp and the instructor said it "brought back a lot of memories of characters getting turned to stone." These two eye beams are pretty iconic, is what I'm saying.
• Freeze ray and fire ray. Maybe a little video gamey, but I think being slowed or immobilized by a coating of ice is much more evocative than just a slow or hold person spell. And the fire ray is for straight up settin' bitches on fire. Worked for H.G. Wells, works for me.
• Telekinesis. Because hands are for suckers.
• Command, and feeblemind rays. The command ray works like the spell (one verb, followed for one round) unless used on someone already feebleminded. Then it lasts indefinitely. So the beholder can just yell OBEY and watch the witless monkeys scamper about like good little underlings.
• Death ray. Before our good friends Fortitude, Reflex, and Will came along, saving throws had wonderfully evocative (and confusing) names like "save vs rods, staves, and wands" and "save vs dragon breath". And of course, save vs poison or death ray. The way I'd run it, the disintegration and petrification rays affect a body part at a time (slowly building dread), while for most of the fight the eye with the death ray is swollen shut like it's been punched by a boxing glove soaked in pepper spray. Then when the beholder is badly hurt the eye opens and it's this awful blood-red thing and you tell someone to save vs death ray and when they frantically search their character sheet for what the hell that even means you say just roll a d20, and if the result is lower than 20 minus their level you set their character sheet on fire.