Introductions, and also a Monkey

So I decided to get in on the whole OSR/DIY D&D blogging thing.

I've been gaming almost 20 years now. Some formative experiences: I started with the Red Box. I think a friend's dad was a geek of the true old school, and he got us hooked. Next came AD&D 2nd Edition and the awesome diTerlizzi-illustrated Monstrous Manual. Growing up in a small town I didn't have a friendly neighborhood game shop, but a hobby shop had the core books, and a toy store had box sets of Planescape and Spelljammer and Ravenloft for some reason, so that's what I played. Well, I say 'played', but really it was more like 'read'. Not many other gamers in rural New Hampshire.

When 3rd Edition came out, theoretical D&D turned into all-consuming two-giant-games-a-week obsessive D&D. Sunwell Citadel with one group, Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil with the other. Two-page character sheets full of itty bitty type, custom prestige classes, that damn Recommended PC Wealth By Level chart... and so many splatbooks. Senior year of high school I took a pilgrimage to GenCon to run D&D and d20Modern games for Wizards of the Coast (after taking an online test to show my knowledge of the rules-as-written). I was a Company Man, full stop.

But 3.5 caused a lot of bad will. Suddenly my huge stockpile of books was worthless, and changing the rules to require miniatures right as Wizards started selling random assortments of miniatures (complete with Magic-style rarities)... it felt unseemly. And then college introduced me to Exalted and Shadowrun and Unknown Armies, and D&D lost a lot of its appeal. I still kept up with the supplements, but more for inspiration than direct use.

After college... well, there's a lot to be said for brand recognition, right? In college if you wanted to try a crazy one-shot of BESM Six-String Samurai you walked down to the common room and harangued the regulars, but that shit won't fly in real life. D&D works because if you say you want to play some Dungeons and fucking Dragons, even if someone's not interested, they'll at least know what you're talking about.

So I play D&D. And I've been lucky enough to find a group of friends and coworkers able to get together once a week and indulge in this incredibly geeky pastime.

Thing is though, they're not all diehard been-gaming-forever RPG nerds. Not everyone wants a game with endless character customization and countless books of feats and classes and powers... hell, when we started most people didn't even have dice. And if the hobby's going to expand an increasingly fractured and insular group of neckbeards - if I want to game with the friends I have, instead of hoping to make friends with people who game - D&D can't be all about rules arcana and the microtype character sheet. Playing Pathfinder I've heard players groan at having to level up - the reward had become a punishment.

Nuts to that. Roll stats, pick a class, get in the dungeon and kill some goblins.

That's what this blog is for - system-neutral, rules-light content with an emphasis on random tables and cool ideas. To that end... I've rambled enough already, right? Time to pay the Joesky Tax. Let's talk monkeys.

A character in my current campaign got a monkey in a Morocco-style marketplace. Fez, vest, the whole bit. She wanted to know what happened when she sent it off to steal things (as monkeys do). I could just make something up, but where's the fun in that? This way she can see the table she's rolling on, and everyone, myself included, gets surprised when the monkey comes back wearing magical underwear. Like so:

What's That Monkey Up To This Time?

Roll a d20 twice, once for the object and once for its quality. Note that item quality also indicates the sort of person the object is stolen from; only worthless objects are ownerless (the “No Found Cake” rule). Expensive items are likely to have wealthy or powerful owners who want them back, and the rarest (magic) items can be dangerous all on their own – a monkey with a wand of fireballs is no one’s friend.

Item Quality (1d20):

1-8: Worthless or broken, or the monkey didn’t find anything. No owner.

9-13: Very common or low quality item. Likely owned by a peasant, laborer, or beggar.

14-17: Pretty decent item. Likely owned by a merchant, soldier, or other professional.

18-19: Costly, high quality item. Likely owned by a noble or member of the clergy.

20: Magic or fantastically rare item. Likely owned by a wizard or other adventurer.

Item Type (1d20):

1. Coin pouch, with 2d10 coins of varying quality.
2. Shiny! Maybe a gem, maybe just a rock.
3. Ring or earring.
4. Brooch or necklace.
5. Holy symbol or figurine.
6. Apple, date, or other fruit or vegetable.
7. Loaf of bread or other processed food.
8. Meat, or maybe just a dead animal.
9. Live animal, like a snake or worm or something.
10. Bottle, drinking horn, wineskin, or jug.
11. Bowl, plate, cup, or chalice.
12. Fork, spoon, or other utensil.
13. Knife, dagger, or other small weapon.
14. Paper or parchment. Might have a note or map on it.
15. Dirty handkerchief or undergarment.
16. Shoe, boot, or glove. But just one. Two would be silly.
17. Hat, mask, bandana, circlet, or crown.
18. Ball, top, tin soldier, or other children’s toy.
19. Stick of some sort, like a staff, rod, cane, switch, or wand.
20. If you also rolled a 20 on item quality, roll a d6:

1. Jeweled clockwork assassin bug.
2. Deed to a fabulous mansion which is probably haunted.
3. Tiny woman in a golden cage.
4. Ornate brass puzzle box with a whole other dimension folded up inside.
5. Oh my god the monkey has a gun.
6. Sarcastic talking skull.

      If you rolled a 1-19 on item quality you’ve instead found a severed hand.