So I've stopped updating, obviously - for the usual reasons of time and other obligations but also for the unexpected reason of Blogspot hating me. Every comment posted in reply to someone else got mysteriously eaten by the void, and it didn't make sense joining a community of CLOSETCASES when I couldn't actually, y'know, say anything. I get enough "you just need to learn to communicate more" in real life without it following me onto the internet.
Plus most of the blogs I frequent have either dried up or moved onto G+ hangouts. I've been Facebook-free for almost a year now after having my identity stolen and going into full luddite hermit mode, and a more different social media account isn't really something I'm interested in. So what's left?
"Blogs appear and grow in strength from strange gaps in people’s lives. The golden age of Noisms was when he was trapped in a Japanese office all day with nothing useful to do. Jeff got a job, James M disappeared. When the life changes the blog changes and as people move into new phases the blog either disappears or becomes much less regular or less intensely imagined. And blogs need to be regular and vibrant in order to really fulfill their potential as blogs. A blog that liveth not, is not a blog."Forsooth.
Beautiful thing about the internet though... every once in a while something long dead and buried will spontaneously reanimate for no damn reason. (That is not dead which can etc etc.) I would never have thought this would become a thing almost four years after I made it, but then boom, 59k hits and its own giant-ass forum thread.
It's true: writing about the nerdy minutia of a dying hobby through obsolete channels for an audience of no one is a colossal waste of time. But fuck it, I'm playing D&D anyway and I like writing about it, so let's give this another go. Maybe whatever replaces Twitter will stumble across this site in another four years and be confused.
LESS TALK MORE PLANTS THAT EAT YOU! ROLL A D30!
- Big ole’ venus flytrap-style chompy mouth
- Covered in thorns that break off in skin and continue injecting poison
- Spooky tree with a gnarled bark face and lashing claw-like branches
- Angry molesting tree with dozens of flailing tentacular limbs
- Sticky fibers on leaves trap prey while pheromones attract other predators
- Vines or roots pull toward a central pitcher plant ‘stomach’ in the ground
- Bludgeons with heavy mace-headed branches
- Stalks spring out and retract at great speed, impaling like spears
- Lashes with sawblade-edged leaves causing massive blood loss and amputating limbs
- Leaves conceal pit trap with sharp pungi spike roots
- Whip-like tendril lashes out to inject mutagenic venom
- Rolls over people like a giant tumbleweed
- Flings heavy spike-shelled coconuts with uncanny precision
- Seed pods open to fling thousands of poisoned flechette-style needles
- Hurls overripe fruit which explodes on impact releasing noxious, intoxicating, or volatile fluids
- Spits gobs of corrosive combustible pitch
- Clouds of tiny airborne seeds released; seedlings grow rapidly in lungs if inhaled
- Pollen clouds laced with deadly neurotoxin
- Flowers change color in hypnotic patterns, implanting (heh) suggestions of suicidal behavior
- Mirror-leaves reflect and amplify sunlight into burning solar deathray
- Releases pheromones to induce homicidal rage; plant absorbs blood spilled in the resulting carnage
- Roots manipulate soil to cause sinkholes, quicksand, or earthquakes
- Sticky burs latch on to passers-by, then a few minutes later, explode
- Scent of flowers causes deep slumber filled with terrible, prophetic nightmares
- Plants bulbs in fresh corpses, reanimating them as floral zombies
- Fruit increases the eater’s strength and inspires fanatical devotion; a sizable cult offers the plant regular sacrifice
- Grows swarms of vicious thorn-covered piranha goblins from unfertilized seeds
- Pods grow doppelgangers of any whose blood the plant has tasted
- Trunk trembles to agitate enormous hornet’s nest inside
- Whole plant grows from the back of a titanic forest creature with roots burrowing into its brain
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